Archive | March, 2015

I’m back

11 Mar

Posted a little routine on facebook, it was well received, so I’ll try it here.


Chipotle done properly:

Burrito.  Make em put on the peppers.  Fierce eye contact to establish ingredient skimping will be not be tolerated. When the server is sufficiently intimidated, you hit them with “double meat.”  The key here is that you don’t jump the gun.  Let them pile-high then “Double it.”  They will be forced to match the meat tower.

Two salsas minimum. Guacamole optional. By this point a veteran salsarista will know that you know – that guacamole is extra. However, a rookie might try a quick little gambit – “Guac is extra!”  You have to see it before it happens. “Double Guac!” <double finger pistol> big smile – game over.  You’re walking out of there with a budget buster and they can’t stop you.  The dent will probably will show up on their quarterly earnings.  There gonna have meetings to try to stop guys like you.

If they can wrap the burrito without tearing it, you’ve made a mistake somewhere – take a mental note.  Always to-go. Take that hog back to a no-judgement zone. Nobody wants to see you eat that in public.

A final tip for the man that rides that fine line between winning with class and taunting: by the time you’ve hit them with all your best moves the crowd will be in your pocket. Call loudly for a wheelbarrow.  Tell them to double bag it.  Pretend it’s too heavy to carry.  Take a victory lap to the tobascos while singing “Gold Bless America.”  All gold.  Use em all.  Never leave a laugh on the table.